In The Now
by dancingllama
Summary: Hurtful, defensive, sarcastic, fearless, and all at once vulnerable Johanna, who would you give up for? ONESHOT. Pre-Catching Fire, Catching Fire, and a bit of Mockingjay.


Everything I did, I did for him.

* * *

"Can you share?"

I looked over my shoulder. Finnick is at the glass door, watching me. I glanced down at my wine glass as Finnick made his way across the balcony. Almost empty. Huh. I nodded towards the tall bottle of vodka sitting on the glass table. Everything glass. Perhaps it was a sublime reminder from the Capitol that we are fragile and breakable no matter the Games we win and the tributes we lose.

Finnick picked the bottle up, and at me gesture, filled my glass to the brim. Just as I was about to take a sip of that bitter liquid, his hands slid through mine, prying the thin stem away. I watched as he tipped it down his throat. Neither of us spoke for a very long time.

"So, the Quarter Quell." He exhaled, looking out into the sky.

Finnick wasn't good at silences.

I sighed, injecting a note of drama into it. "Back to the Games! Murder, deception, did I mention murder? Lucky us!"

"_Johanna._"

"What?" I snapped. I was angry, and I couldn't keep it bottled in anymore. I had meant to lighten the mood. "I was done, Finnick. I was _done_. I was going to live the rest of my pitiful, lonely life tucked into some corner of this fucked up country, and oh, occasionally surfacing to send more children to their deaths, and then _you_ show up and you _ruin_ -"

"Johanna, _stop it_," Finnick practically growled.

"Why?" I asked, my tone incredibly high and lofty and sarcastic and god I wanted to hurt him. "Finnick Odair can't handle the truth?" I turned to him and slammed the wine glass out of his hand; it fell over the balcony. "You made me join this rebellion and now there's no turning back. Fuck you." There was the soft sound of glass crashing.

Finnick moved and before I could make a move to do anything, he was holding me, holding me with his hands on my head and then on my back and just everywhere. I struggled, trying to break free but he held tighter. "I wish I could spare you Johanna. I'm sorry."

"Oh please," I said with a humorless laugh, shoving him away. "We both know the only person you care about is Annie. Stop pretending like you give a damn."

Finnick looked like I'd slapped him, and I instantly wished I could take it back. "Tell the truth now," he hissed, hurt and angry, "tell me that you don't believe that we can pull this off. Tell me that you don't believe Katniss Everdeen is our ticket out of this shit. _Tell me_ that you don't believe that you and I both, we're the only people who have the highest chance of bringing anyone of the arena. Tell me!"

I think I was choking on my tears, so I turned away. But he followed me.

"If I thought that anyone else could be as half as good as you to follow me back in there - why would you even _assume_ that I - After _months_ of planning, you choose to say this _now_? You could've said a word, one word, during all those fucking secret meetings we had discussing the rebellion! You could've said _something_ and I would have - I would have done something, anything, to keep you out of this mess!" Finnick was so angry, I could feel it, but I was not sorry. I just wasn't.

"You know I couldn't have said anything." I murmured. "He killed my family."

He was silent.

"I have to kill Snow, or at least do _something_ to bring him down... But I don't - I don't want to go back into the arena. Every time I think of it and things it made me to, I, I turn into this... _monster_. And I start to hate myself. I just, I..." My voice broke. "I thought I was done."

I realized I was crying, and then when Finnick hugged me, I realized he was crying, too.

* * *

I knew, long before Katniss Everdeen or the talks of rebellion, that I was irreparable. Snow had taken everything from me. My family, my happiness, my feelings. That's why I couldn't genuinely laugh, you see. That's what the Capitol loved about me, too. They revered me and thought me fearless, brave and fierce, their warrior girl. They loved that I didn't hold back and they loved that I didn't give a damn. And in a way, I didn't. How could I, when so much was taken from me?

And after I won the Games and returned to mentor the following year, when we bumped into each other and he looked at me like he knew me and said, "I've looking forward to meet you, Johanna Mason. I want to see if you are as fearless as they say," I'd punched him in the face. But when Finnick gripped his nose and somehow smiled and said "I knew you were my favorite," I thought that maybe I didn't have to feel so hurtful all the time.

* * *

"Johanna!"

I whipped around. "Finnick!" Finnick was running up the beach towards me, with Peeta Mellark and Katniss Everdeen looking a little reluctant. I turned around and Nuts was _still_ yammering about clocks that tick and god knows what else and I couldn't take it. I was all at once disgusted with the blood on our faces, annoyed by Nuts' constant chirping but so, so, relieved when Finnick called my name.

I explained to them as quickly as I could about the blood rain, all the while trying to assess the damage made. They all looked relatively unharmed and tired. Katniss was shooting distrusting looks at me, and Peeta was sporting huge eye bags and generally alternating from us to Katniss. Finnick, he was doing the same thing I was doing.

I was exhausted. So tired. And scared. I will never ever admit it, ever, but I was. If we slipped up just a _little_ bit, it would all be over. And I had a feeling it was going to be over soon.

One thing after the other and I found myself landing a hard slap on Katniss Everdeen's face. I felt a little satisfied, but just a tiny bit, before I was scooped up and dragged away from her. Although I was the one who slapped her, she was just standing there looking shocked, and I realized I was still screaming and god what if I'd let slip something important?

"Johanna, get a grip!"

I turned all of my rage onto Finnick and started screaming at him instead. That's when he dunked me into the water. Repeatedly.

"Okay!" I gasped, clutching his back like a lifeline. "Okay, stop, sto -!" Finnick dunked me again, then held me above the water.

"Are you good?"

"Yes, you son of a -" I gasped, trying to spit out the salty water. "Let me go, I won't hit her again -"

"Johanna, _are you good_?"

My eyes flicked up to his and I noticed they were narrowed, intense. He was not asking about Katniss.

"I am." I stuck the plan. Beetee even got his wire. We stuck to the plan. "I'm good."

He dropped me but held me around my waist so I landed in the water with my feet. And briefly, briefly; Finnick squeezed my hand before we walked to the shore.

* * *

"I'm going to ask you one more time."

Icy cold water was thrown onto my face. I forced myself to stay awake and not pass out.

"What is the next stage of the rebellion?"

I spat out some of the cold water that had gotten into my mouth. As it hit the floor, I noticed I'd spit out a little blood, too.

I looked up at the warden in Capitol uniform. "Suck my dick."

I saw his foot swing towards my face before I felt an almighty pain wreck through my face. My instinct was to reach up to cradle my face, but of course, my hands were tied above me. And then fingers were grasping the already fractured part of my chin, yanking my face up.

He had a face now, the warden. Dark eyes and a cruel smile.

"I know you know, Johanna Mason." He spat in my face. It landed on my cheek. "And if you don't tell me... you know that girl you hear screaming every night? She's going to be screaming every hour of the day."

A _thud_ went through my heart. Not Annie Cresta.

I swallowed back tears and forced myself to laugh. This was my last hope, my last resort, and I prayed like hell to something I didn't even believe in that it would work. "Kill her," I laughed, stopping a few times to choke on blood oozing out of my nose. "She doesn't know a single thing. Torture her," I adapted that sarcasm I was so known for, "I don't give a shit. All she's done is," I faltered, I coughed, I couldn't, I couldn't say it. I'd sworn to never say it, ever.

"What?" He slapped me. My head flew to the side and I knew for sure that a tooth was wobbling. "All's she done is what?"

I turned back slowly. Please buy it. Please buy it. "All she's done is keep me away from Finnick."

Silence hung in the air. Between the pain and the blood I kind of relished it. Silence was a very valuable thing when all I hear is the screams of people being tortured when I'm not doing the screaming myself.

"_So._" The warden stood up, and slowly started to laugh. "Johanna Mason. Not so heartless after all." He was really laughing now. "After all the bullshit about you being some brave warrior woman, you're nothing but a girl in love. With _Finnick Odair_ of all people." He turned away, laughing. I watched him peel off the gloves from his hand, and speak to someone outside the cell. "Send the mad girl to her cell, we won't be using her for a while now." The warden glanced at me. "Bring in the water. And the electric rods."

I sent a silent apology to my body for whatever was about to be inflicted on it. And when the water, in great big barrels was rolled in, and the warden brought the electric rods to life with a sharp sizzle, I allowed myself one small whimper. Just for myself.

* * *

"Why'd you do it?"

I blinked slowly. No idea what the time was, but there was no sound... I guessed it was after midnight. 3 a.m., 4 a.m.. Didn't matter. I couldn't sleep. Rarely slept. The pain kept me awake, but the desperation fueled it.

"Do what?" I asked. My voice was raspy, my throat hurt and felt so raw.

"I heard what you told him." Peeta Mellark slowly inched towards the bars that separated us. "For Annie. Why?"

I couldn't not meet him halfway. I was so desperate for some sort of company that didn't torture me that I battled the bones that ached and wounds that burned and dragged myself across the floor to him. He was just as bad as me. Maybe worse, I don't know, if I had a mirror I could tell. Banged up face, his leg was at an awkward angle, dried blood covered his face and arms.

I'd always agreed with Finnick and Haymitch, during the rebellion meetings, that perhaps Peeta Mellark deserved the least of everything that happened to him. His only flaw, and mistake, was loving Katniss. Haymitch had called him a fool, in that tough love kind of way, but I didn't blame him. I couldn't.

"Figured I might try and keep people from hurting if I could." Lie, lie, lie.

Peeta was silent. Like I did moments earlier, he was assessing my injuries.

But now it is I who couldn't stand silences. They made me nervous.

"What? Can't believe I'm capable of being nice?" I asked sarcastically.

"I'm sorry you're here, Johanna."

My head whipped to him so quickly my neck ached. I fought back tears with practiced ease and Peeta was just looking at me.

I swallowed. "I'm sorry we're here. In this stupid, fucked up place. You should be with her, leading the rebellion and shit."

Peeta let out a quick exhale of a laugh that ended abruptly. I understood. It hurt to do a little more than breathe these days. "She'll be strong. At least we're in this together."

I did that weird exhale laugh thing, and tears just started falling down my face. No sobbing, no emotion. Just tears.

"I hope Finnick appreciates you," Peeta murmured.

My laughter stopped and I looked at him again, this time warily. Peeta Mellark was too wise for his own good.

I opened my mouth to tell him something - anything - but the iron door of his cell slammed opened all of a sudden. My body caught on to what was going on before my brain did and I threw myself forward to grab his hand, and I caught a glimpse of Peeta's fearful, yet determined expression. We squeezed each other's hand, _hard_, and then they were dragging him away.

* * *

**A/N** I truly, truly ship Johanna and Finnick together so hard and I wanted to write something about, maybe, how their relationship could have been fleshed out had the books been written from Johanna's perspective. Also, I've always felt that Peeta and Johanna's relationship could have been brought out a little more, as their cells were next to each other's, and I don't know, had a feeling they might have exchanged words. Drop me your thoughts, don't hold back! (and if you know any great Johanna/Finnick stories, _please_ tell me, I need more, lol.) Thank you!


End file.
